Screaming, unheard, from the depths of forever...

I know how morose the title of the particular blog sounds and I apologize for that... however, you don't have to read it.

This past week has been pretty bad for me over-all... I hate it when this happens... and it usually happens during the winter holidays... I always feel so incredibly self-conscience putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I never really know how to do it... to make it flow the way I want it to. But right now, I could really care less.

After having been out of work for over a year and a half, my husband has informed me that I need to find a job at the end of last week. This was brought on by many major factors.

First, my husband and roommate barely make enough money to pay our bills as well as feed all of us... we have steadily cut back on a growing number of things in order for us to more easily accomplish this, however it hasn't done much good. Despite the fact that our president has proclaimed many times in the past few weeks that the recession is over, the wonderful county of Brevard has appeared to have not received this news.

Second, the car that my husband and I share, (which he uses most of the time in order to travel to and from work,) has started showing some disturbingly odd behavior. This is a frightening prospect because if we take it to a shop, we have no way of paying them and then Eric will be out an easier way of transport than having to walk. Granted, he does not work far away, (praise the Gods!), it would make things for him increasingly more stressful and strenuous... which would make our relationship even more strained... *sighs heavily*
Twelve-hour shifts and with me now on an opposite sleep schedule in order to find work have made spending time together almost impossible.

Third, our roommate's apparent lack of interest in his own bank account has caused varying degrees of frustration in the home due to Eric having to give him extra money to pull his account out of the hole.

Fourth... this one is a little less important but incorporates a lot of different things. These are all having to deal with me personally... it is quite long winded and I realize that this has gone on a while already, but be fully aware of the fact that you may stop at any time.
Every month, like clockwork, without fail, my body exhibits the signs of pregnancy. Damn near all of them... usually within two weeks of the beginning of the month and they get progressively worse as the days wear on. Now, I am fully aware of the fact that the symptoms of pregnancy and menstruation have many similarities... it does not seem to matter, however, what the logical part of me is telling the emotional part of me. I have an internal war that lasts within myself from pretty much the beginning of these symptoms right up until the time I have my period. Now, you must bear in mind that my cycle does last 28 days, which is average, normal... my period usually starts, on average, 38 to 40 days after the beginning of my last period. (I am well aware of the fact how personal this is... but seeing as this in my blog and you do not have to read it, I will write whatever I damn well please, thank you very much!) Anyways...
Despite my best efforts, all throughout the month my hope rises... this is really stupid and illogical, but emotions are generally that... so when my period starts, I experience a sense of loss and become slightly depressed... mixing with all of the other feelings that I experience during that time, especially within the first few days, it does not make living with me very easy, I'm sure. Right now I am going through that, along with everything else... and my period decided to start about 10 days early. Probably due to the ever-increasing amount of stress of the past week or so.

Another thing that has been concerning me over the past several months has the increasing amount of strange pains throughout my body that have no explanation. As many of you know, my mother has Fibromyalgia, and lately I have been exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms. This has caused many new things that I have been attempting to become increasingly difficult. One example is my growing desire to lose my excess body fat... which is not going very well. I have gained a considerable amount of weight and fat fast enough to cause stretch-marks to appear on both thighs, my left calf, my ass, and my breasts. The majority of my clothes do not fit and as precarious as my self-esteem has always been, this increase has caused it to plummet to an all-time low. I am well aware of the fact that I'm not obese or over-weight... but I am also not as well built as I once was and am having an incredibly difficult time losing the weight I have gained. Without the proper facilities and the inability to keep my motivations up to do so... not to mention the extreme fatigue and pain I have been experiencing... it has been difficult to keep to a regular exercise regimen.

I also have noticed a very extreme upswing in missing my family and old friends lately... pretty much since Jake left. I feel an ache deep down in more core every time I think about Jake... I got to see so much more of him when he was down this last time than when he came down in August that I feel like I can just call him and have him come over. It wasn't just the amount of time we spent together, it was how overpoweringly familiar he felt. He felt like the boy that was my best friend, my ally, my twin brother that had grown into a man! It was like the Fizgig that I remember, before Suhey, had grown up... he retained a lot of the same characteristics of that time, but he was responsible, adult, mature, and didn't blow up when mildly frustrated. I am so proud of him... after everything he's gone through... all the shit that has happened to him... that he's come out the man that Aaron will no doubt one day proudly proclaim to anyone who'll listen, "He's my Dad!" I love him with all of my heart and he has changed and accomplished so much within himself that I'm surprised hell hasn't frozen over! LOL I miss him... and while he was here... he reminded me, on so many occasions, so powerfully of my Daddy that I was overcome with tears so many times. It is going on three years now since I've seen my parents. The last time I saw them in person was the day I got married. And although I love my mother very much and miss her to my core.... the only thing that I really wanted for my birthday and would rejoice in so much would be to see my Dad. I have always been Daddy's little girl... and I would love to feel him hug me... I would love to have that comfort...

I realize this long diatribe is not vitally important to any of you... but considering I may not have internet here soon, due to my inability to find ANYONE hiring here on this wonderful island of ours, I feel the need to express these things. And losing the internet will put a huge damper onto pretty much everything I do. If we do decide we have to cancel our internet, we will also lose our television and phone. To those of you whom I can contact with a new number, if we are able to procure one, I will let you know... for those of you I can't, I apologize now.

Anywho.... I feel this has gone on long enough... if you have read up to this point, I congratulate you, thank you, and commend you for muscling through this pointless and highly self-absorbed blog.

If I am unable to tell you when the time approaches, please have a Happy Yule and a Merry Christmas!

-Pi

You all may breathe now...

Okay... so here it is... I'm finally posting a blog for you guys to feast your eyes on. *rolls eyes* LOL

I've never been very good at this whole keeping up with a blog / journal thing. I will do my best to update here... but I have trouble on MySpace and Facebook. The writer in me has stage-fright whenever I go to write anything in my blog(s). I'm terrified that I'll sound like an idiot. *heavy sigh*

Well... not sure what to say for right now... I will attempt to update this thing as much as possible, but I ain't makin' any promises!

Until next time!

-Punkette a.k.a. Pi

P.S. You guys may leave whatever comments you wish about my posts, about the show, or about what you may think of me. I will read and respond to... whatever the hell I want to!!!! ;)

-Pi